Out today: ‘A Pensions-Related Information Lexicon’

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With less than a week to go before the new ‘pension freedoms’ take effect, a Government body is today announcing a new tool to help explain the changes.

A Pensions-Related Information Lexicon is the latest publication from the Financial Office Of Language, a quango that brings together experts from the world of business communications to help explain pensions to normal people.

Here are some highlights from the first draft of the lexicon.

Absolut return
Strategy that aims to give the same return regardless of how much vodka your investment manager has drunk

Annuitease
Income for life that’s less than you’d hoped

Benefishiary
Pet who inherits your money

Bond
Type of loan that leaves you shaken but not stirred

Commutable pension
An income for people within the M25

Crystallised funds
Money you’ve spent on Breaking Bad DVDs

Default
Responsibility for a bad investment decision

Defurred
Scheme member who’s been stripped of their protection

Drawdownton
To use retirement savings to buy a stately home

Growth
Usually a good thing. But check with your doctor, just in case

Guidance
From April 6, something that is neither advice nor available

Lump sum
An amount approximately equal to the value of a sugar cube

Penshun
To refuse to think about what you’re going to live on when you stop work

Pension pot
Drug taken to stop worrying about retirement

Pension Whys
Pension questions that your ‘guidance specialist’ isn’t allowed to answer

Retired
Relating to inability to work due to exhaustion

Steakholder pension
Bovine retirement plan

Tacks
Cause of pain on the path to retirement

Tactical investment
Buying a tank with your money

Trivial commutation
A board game for people who can’t afford to do anything more interesting

Winding up
The experience of listening to politicians with final salary pensions talk about how we all have to save for retirement

Are YOU a communications expert too? Please add your own suggestions for the lexicon in our Comments section below.

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