Soapbox 5: better than Police Academy 5, not as good as 5ive

Soap box
During the election campaign, we’re sharing the best and the worst of political communication. There’ll be no party bias here. We promise to praise everyone and spare no one, despite what we secretly think.

Today, the election campaign SPARKED INTO LIFE as Labour and Tories squabbled over non-doms and Nigel Farage went fishing with Joey Essex.

Metaphor Corner: Bumper Edition.

Lots of metaphors to pick over today. Let’s begin with 100 doctors, who wrote to the Guardian about the coalition’s record on health. Their letter is quite literally stuffed to the gills with nasty sounding metaphors.

“The squeeze on services is hitting patients”
Horrible. Although some people pay a lot of money to be squeezed and hit at the same time.

“Public health has been wrenched out of the NHS…”
Ouch. That sounds just as painful, but perhaps more mechanical than medical.

“…where it held the ring for coordinated and equitable services for so long.”
We don’t know what holding the ring means either, but it sounds like a procedure.

Next, Nicky Morgan who today declared:

“Nigel Farage is not my cup of tea”

Hardly news. He’s not a slice of cake or a cucumber sandwich either but no one’s reporting that. If you ask us, this is yet another example of how Farage is remorselessly persecuted by the lily-livered liberals of the Westminster elite. They can keep their frilly doilies and their chocolate digestives. Farage doesn’t want to be one of them anyway. He’s a real-ale-swilling regular guy who’s not afraid to tell it like isn’t.

Finally, Ed Balls. After Labour announced it was closing the non-dom loophole, the Tories were keen to land a swift counter punch. They found a clip of Balls in January suggesting that such a policy would cost the Treasury money. The BBC reported it like this:

“A video emerges”
Sinister, eh? A video ‘emerges’. Like a sly adder from behind a bush.

Parallel structure, parallel structure

“We believe in one rule for all. Not one rule for the rich and powerful, and one rule for everyone else.”
Ed Miliband charting that treacherous path between D’Artagnan and Gollum.

Non-dom bombshell

If you want to see how our national papers’ political agenda twists the truth into convenient shapes, look no further than the way different papers reported Labour’s non-dom announcement this morning.

The Mirror said:
“Ed Miliband pledges to axe non-dom tax rule…and save £1billion”

The Guardian said:
“The Guardian view on scrapping the UK’s non-dom loophole: good riddance.”

The Telegraph said:
“Ed Miliband to attack the rich”

And the Mail said:
“Move is another example of Labour’s anti-business agenda”

Not one single person was the slightest bit surprised by any of this. Nor were they surprised when scrolling down the Mail website to discover how Rachel Riley ‘cuts an uncharacteristically casual figure in tight-fitting jeans and a preppy backpack’ or how Uma Thurman ‘displays her trim beach body as she dives off a dock in Miami.’

Just a thought, Daily Mail. Why don’t YOU dive off a dock?

And finally…Nigel Farage (again) meets Joey Essex (really)

Nigel Farage was the latest party leader to meet Joey Essex today. The pinstriped pint guzzler found himself at something of a lexical disadvantage, when Mr Essex described him as, variously, ‘sick’, ‘wicked’ and ‘reem’. We offer this without comment of any sort, because you’re intelligent enough to make your own mind up.

More from the Quietroom Soapbox tomorrow.